A life less ordinary.....

July. This month was my favorite month of the year. I guess when we are growing up, our birthday month is special. I know it may be a girlie thing but when I see V&N waiting for June and January respectively, it sort of takes me back to how I longed for July to come and I am made to feel special by everyone around me. 

Today my stomach curls when my birthday approaches. Its a strange feeling of being both happy and .....I have not yet named this other feeling. Ofcourse the people around me who made this day special for me still do the same. Infact the number has increased with Saurabh and my sons joining them but something- no someone- is not there. 

3 years ago when a few days after my birthday (15th) life took a very rash turn and took him away in a road tragedy- Life sort of ....stopped. I did not know if I was sad or angry. I was not sure if God existed or willed it. I forgot if it was for real or a joke. I just knew one thing- which was- that I will never be able to see him again. Not that I saw him often. Not that I even spoke to him everyday. But aren't there people in your life who you know are there and do not need reminders and courtesies to keep a place in your hearts? Abhyuday was that one for me. A friend, a kid brother, a strong boy of a very strong mother who inspired me every time I thought of him. He left and I am still groping for answers and logics behind everything that happened- and everything that didn't!

They say time heals everything. It does not. Time just goes on but some things and some people stay back in the time which stops when they lose someone dear. Yes my life has moved on. Being a hands on Mom, I have no time in the world for any thing else but that has not healed anything. It just masks my thoughts for a while but the silence of the night takes me back to the same times where I am confused what I should remember and what I should forget.

They also say that its destined. Well, yes it is. But what when destiny is silly and illogical? I think then its fair to curse it forever and not fight it- because what will you fight? Definitely not a coward, invisible enemy!

You know what actually works? Or atleast worked in his case (I am saying his and not mine because I have done nothing to aid my solace- Its him). Its the fact that every time I shut my eyes and remember him- I get a smile on my face! And its not because of the good times we had but because of the smile that he carried FOREVER on his face. A smile that was so reflective of his good upbringing, his strength of character, so characteristic of a unique charm that pulled every damn thing to him, even if he did not touch it. Best part being that when I shared this thought with others who knew him- each one felt the same! At a tender age of 26 years when most of us are still coming out of the shadows of our parents and making a name and space for ourselves in this world, Abhyuday had already done this job and as it is said- when you have done what you were meant to- you must leave and make space for others.

You did leave, but the space will never fill. We can never become what you were. We will never be remembered like you are. I know you cannot read this but everyone else who is should know how to live! And for them I summarise YOU in these lines:

Ki marke bhi kisi ko yaad aayenge.....

Kisi ke aansuo main muskurayenge....

Kahega phool har kali se baar baar...

Jeena isi ka naam hai :)